Unnecessary
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: After the defeat of the Female Titan, Eren still grieves from the deaths of the Special Operations Squad. Levi visits him, and tells him he should not hate himself. The on he should hate...is him. Heavy spoilers for "A Choice With No Regrets."


_Unnecessary_

Eren Yeager woke to the sound of birds singing. The light sound echoed in his ears, and for a single moment, Eren had forgotten what had happened. _If only they could see this. _The serenity that had enveloped him for a moment had died, replaced by uncontrollable remorse. _If I had only… _It had only been a couple of days since he had defeated the Female Titan. A week since the fifty-sixth expedition. Eren's memories of that hell, that nightmare, resurfaced in his mind with every breath he took. He still saw their bodies in his body, broken, bloody, and vacant. He had put the trust in his squad that they would be able to defeat the Female Titan on their own without his power – and that had gotten them killed. Eren hadn't even been able to defeat the Female Titan on his own. Levi and Mikasa had to save him. As his memory revolved around the scarred memories, Eren heard a slight knock on the door. He ignored it. _Leave me alone, _he thought. Another knock came, louder this time. Eren was starting to become annoyed when the knocking started again a moment later. "Leave me the hell alone, Mikasa! I'm not your little brother, and I don't need you coddling me!"

"Is that the way you should talk to a superior?" Eren's blood froze. Standing before him was Levi, the second-in-command of the Survey Corps. If he had looked closer, Eren would have realized that the older man looked tired. There were dark rings around his eyes, and his uniform was slightly rumpled. Levi's form was slightly askew, and he favored his right leg more than his left, but Eren did not notice these signs at all. He was only aware of how Levi's dark eyes seemed to bore into him.

"This needs to stop, Yeager." The words were cool, without any emotion behind them. "You need to stop grieving and blaming yourself for their deaths." Eren's breath hitched when Levi's words spoke the truth. Eren had carried the burden of guilt ever since he saw the bodies fall. Instead of the usual rage and anger, Eren felt only emptiness. "They'll be plenty more deaths to grieve before this is all over."

"Don't you blame me?" Eren asked. His voice was close to breaking as he stared into Levi's cold gray eyes. "Don't you _want _to blame me?" Eren's emotions were becoming unhinged, and he fought against the sting of tears. "I don't understand why you don't _hate_ me for it. I…caused them to die, you know. I mean, they were your friends, Levi." Eren felt tears flowing down his face and onto his lap, but this time he wasn't ashamed to cry in front of anyone. "Why don't you hate me?"

"You want me to hate you." It wasn't a question. Levi's expression didn't change as he glanced briefly at Eren's tear-streaked face. "You want me to hate you, because you feel that is someone hates you, the guilt and sorrow and pain is justified for what you've done." Levi paused. Eren watched him through swollen eyes as he attempted to speak. "I don't hate you, Yeager. I will never place blame on anyone. The real person I hate is…me." Levi didn't speak for a moment, and it was at that time that Eren noticed how tense Levi was. He wouldn't look at him. The older man didn't look at anything. "They weren't friends, Yeager. They were…family. The closest thing to Isabel and Farlan that I will ever have." Eren heard Levi hesitate as he said those names, as if he hadn't said them in a long time. "Let me tell you a story, Yeager. Isabel and Farlan grew up in the Underground, a society of sorts for those who were outcasts of society. They grew up knowing that every day could be their last, and stole and lied and killed in order to survive. I…didn't grow up there, but when I found both of them, I felt as if I had found the only place I could call my home."

"Where did you grow up?" Eren asked. "Levi?" The man didn't respond.

"Isabel, Farlan, and I were inseparable. In the laws of the Underground, no one could walks alone and still be alive. It was more than that to us, though. We never let each other out of our sight because we _cared_ about on another." Levi swallowed thickly, and Eren thought he saw him tremble. "We were eventually forced into the Survey Corps by that bastard Erwin."

"Erwin?" Shock jolted through Eren as he absorbed the information. "He…forced you?" Immediately Eren's anger began to grow at the blond commander. "Why the hell –?"

"Another time." Levi's voice was short and emotionless. "Isabel always wanted to see the outside world, so no matter what dangers she would face, she would go. Farlan was a different story." Before Eren could open his mouth to ask why, Levi continued. "Farlan didn't just want to escape from the Underground. He wanted to live within the walls of Sina, and so we made an agreement with a stranger. If we collected the documents from Erwin that he wanted along with killing him, money would be given to us, and we could live in the capital." Levi paused as if waiting for Eren's response. The younger soldier only lied in silence and was stunned by what he had heard. _Levi was going to kill Erwin…? That's insane! And Levi…it sounded like he didn't want to kill Erwin at all._

"Why did you want to kill Erwin? Judging by your voice, you didn't even want to kill him!" Eren's voice steadily rose as Levi continued to be silent. "Farlan wanted to live in the capital, not you! So why –?"

"It didn't matter what I wanted. Farlan wanted to live in the capital no matter what the cost, and I was indifferent to the action that would allow us to live in the capital. I didn't care about murdering an officer in the military; I had already done worse actions. All that mattered to me was that I would continue to be with Isabel and Farlan. That was…the only thing that mattered to me." Eren had a sudden memory of Mikasa telling him why she had joined the Survey Corps instead of being safe inside the Walls. _Just as Mikasa feels about me. As long as she is with me…she doesn't care about anything._

"On the night were we supposed to take the documents during an expedition, there was a devastating rain storm. No one could see or hear anything. I took the storm to my advantage in an attempt to kill Erwin, and I went alone even though Farlan and Isabel wanted to go with me. I told them that they had to stay there, and that I would be back before there was any trouble." _The rain was cold. It hurt, and almost drowned out her screams… _"I…was too late." A rasp that Eren had never heard before surfaced in Levi's voice. "Despite the past five years, I still remember everything. It's still in fucking memory. Of them all dying. The blood. Five Titans appeared out of nowhere, and everyone in the squad were devoured and killed. Isabel was crushed between two of the Titans, and Farlan was eaten. I still remember her calling my name, screaming for me. I was helpless as I watched Isabel become crushed and Farlan get eaten." All Eren heard was the sound of Levi's voice and of his own ragged breathing. He could not bring himself to look into Levi's eyes. "I survived while they, who loved me more than anything else, died. I went into a blind rage when…it happened, and I killed them all. I killed them all, but it was too late." Levi didn't speak, and it was at that moment that Eren realized his ragged breathing wasn't his own. Levi was breathing in ragged gasps, and his fists were crushed tightly into his palms.

"I blamed Erwin for their deaths, but as he spoke to me, I realized that it was I who caused them to die. If I had just not tried to kill the man who I would one day trust the most, Isabel and Farlan wouldn't have died. No one in that squad would have did." Levi gritted his teeth. "No, even before that. If I had just allowed myself to go into the Survey Corps and begged for them to let them go, they would still be alive. I failed them, and failed the closest thing I had to them, again, Yeager. And I will continue to fail." Levi was the one who looked into Eren's eyes, and the young soldier could only stare as he witnessed the emptiness in his superior's eyes. "So… hatred toward yourself is unnecessary."

Eren could find no words to say. He could not say anything to comfort Levi. He couldn't even try to make a speech of how his friends would want him to live in the present, not in the past. He couldn't even look at the broken man. Eren could only watch in somber silence as Levi opened and closed the door behind him.

Levi was not aware of walking. He wasn't aware of the sun across his face, or of the greenery that surrounded him. He was in the past. It was 845, on that night. Why the fuck had he told that brat Yeager that story? It would serve no good to him. The brat was already looking at him with pity. It would only open wounds that Levi had thought he had buried. Levi blinked, realizing through his reminiscing that he was at their graves. There had been no time to stage of massive funeral – not like those ever happened – or any stone or marble that anyone was willing to donate. The "graves" were actually just grass, part of the ground. Levi had intended for this place to only belong to Isabel and Farlan, but as deaths mounted during his time in the Survey Corps after their deaths, there were too many people not remembering them. So Levi decided that all the dead – even the ones he didn't know – would be honored here. And now four others would be honored here. Four people that he foolishly thought would never die.

Levi couldn't say anything to the "graves" this time. His mind and heart were drowning in memories, and he couldn't speak. Memories of blood and all that had happened assaulted him. "I'm…sorry." It was inaudible. "I'm sorry," he rasped. He kept on saying those words until his voice died. The emotions kept on churning. _Fuck… _Levi fell down, his face hard against the ground. _Fuck. _

_"It's not your fault, niichan." _Levi told himself that he was still in a nightmare. He was still dead, as he should be. The voice that had haunted his dreams wasn't there. But he kept on hearing it. _"We trusted you to take care of that aristocrat guy, and we thought we would be fine."_ The sweet lullaby flowed into his ears. _"We weren't though…and that's okay. You didn't die, niichan, and that's all that matters to us, right, Farlan?"_

_ "Yeah, Levi. Why are you still mopping about our deaths? It our fault for thinking we could take Titans all on our own. It's not your fault…and I'm glad that I didn't go to the capital. All the shit that Isabel was saying all those years ago makes sense to me now. We died for something, and we're proud of it." _

_"Levi-heichou…" No…it can't be… "Levi-heichou…" _Somehow Levi felt her soft hands around his eyes. _"I'm glad I got the chance to serve under you, and know you." _Levi's breath hitched as he heard her voice again. Levi could see her face in his mind. Her soft face, smiling and alive. He swallowed, trying in vain to stop the scream of pain that was starting to make its way through his throat. _"I'm glad I got to die to protect humanity…and you...because…I love you, Levi-heichou. Everything that we had done was worth it, because…"_

_ "We love you, niichan!"_

_ "We love you, Levi!" _

_ "We love you, my dear Levi."_

And just as quickly, the voices disappeared. The hands had had held him faded into nothingness. He was alone again. Levi saw their faces in his mind again. Isabel, with her red hair and happy laughter. Farlan, with his small smiles and the conviction he had for protecting them both. And Petra…Levi remembered everything about her.

Suddenly without any warning, tears pelted in streams across his face. All the emotions he had bottled up inside him for the past five years came out. The tears soaked the grass, and made his clothes damp and unclean. Levi was only aware of how small sobs came from him, steadily at first. "Is…abel..." he whispered. "Far...lan…" A scream wanted to tear out of his throat. "Pet…ra." His body shook. "My dear…Petra…"

Levi let out a strangled sob and cried.


End file.
